Master Prompter

The pen feels strange in my hand; I dismiss the feeling and tighten my grip on it. The words will come eventually to me, they always do.

Soldiers are afraid in the face of battle, and yet the put on a brave face, draw their swords and march on. I do the same; I press on and write nonsense for a while. Sometimes my brain refuses to cooperate and it’s all nonsense, true. There are times though, that nonsense turns into proper thoughts, and somehow these thoughts find their way onto the paper, and word after word after word they start to make sense, and my mind clears, and the noise finally dies down and it’s just me and the story.

And as I go deeper and deeper into it, and people and faces begin to form, my writing gets messier, almost incorrigible, because my hand cannot keep up with my brain, but who cares, I am finally writing again and that’s what matters: damping my frantic thoughts on a piece of paper, hoping that they still make sense the day after and that I will not lose my nerve and share them.

Because my head is full of clatter; so much unimportant stuff taking up space, leaving little room for the things that really matter. 

Do I even care if people are interested to look past the clatter? For when I write, I am the realest version of me, because I can "hide" myself in the stories. Everything I am and everything I am not is on my pages.

Every hope and dream, every fear and terror is on there, sometimes subtle, sometimes not so much. I can be a romantic realist; I can be vulnerable and scared and brave, all at once; I can be naïve, yet wise in my naiveté; everything goes because the page is a very bold stage suited for shy people.

Authors have many voices, but still, they are only master prompters, reminding themselves the lines not yet uttered.

But who I am when I am not writing? When I am using only the voice that's mine and mine alone?

I am insecure and clumsy and awkward and humour is my safe space, and yet somehow I still manage to make sense.

The problem is, we think we have time…

…and of course we do, but it’s limited. The moment we enter this world, a count-down starts for each and every one of us, a count-down we have no knowledge of.

We know nothing about the number of our days, and the only certainty in this life is that, eventually, those days will end.

But, the thing is, most of us, if not all, see that end as something very far, far away. But life teaches us, daily, that that’s not always the case; sometimes that end might be closer than we think it is.

For all we know, that end could come tomorrow, and yet we are constantly wasting time, forgetting about the important things.

Do we take good care of ourselves?

How much time do we actually spend on things that we truly enjoy and are passionate about?

How many relationships have we left damaged because of a misunderstanding or pride?

How much good do we contribute to this world?

Do people that are important to us know how we feel about them? Do we see/talk to them enough or are we too busy?

And do we like the people we have to see often enough to not consider it a waste of time?

So many important questions, and yet we are only reminded of them in the face of adversity; like I did.

And when pain and sadness become dull, I will most likely forget them again; like we all do, because we are amazingly adaptable like that.

We embrace our losses and move on; as long as those who live on remember, those gone never really leave.

You can be polite and still be real

I’ve been using the internet since its baby phase, where the connections were dialup and just one song took hours to download.

So I am well aware that sharing an opinion online, about anything basically, can potentially cause a lot of controversy and unnecessary drama, which both are things nobody wants and needs, but this is something I am honestly confused about.

Lately, on many different occasions, I’ve come across the following phrase: Say what you feel, it's not being rude, it's being real.

At first I didn’t think much of it, but as I was coming across it more and more, the more it got me thinking about it.  For me, the opposite of being real is being fake, and the opposite of rudeness is politeness, so I honestly cannot understand how being rude equates with being real.

In my opinion, rudeness has nothing to do with realness and these two should not be mixed up. People should not use realness as an excuse to be mean and offensive. True, you can feel any way you want about things; and, also true, you have the right to express those feelings. But you don’t have the right to express them in a way that’s offensive.

That is a choice you make. How something is worded, is up to you and you alone. You can be hurt, angry, disappointed, you name it, and still be polite. Bitter and mean words won't add anything to your realness; they'll only make you sound bitter, mean and pretentious. 

Additionally, once said, words can never be taken back. You can regret them, apologise for them, but no matter what, they will always have been uttered. And people may forgive you, but they will always remember what you've said and how you've made them feel.

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

― Maya Angelou

Take care, 

M.

On Goals and Milestones

Hello world!

I had a million ideas about today’s post, but after some thinking we’ll talking about milestones and bucket list items and everything in between.

I feel like most people have a number of goals they want to achieve in their lifetime; from things relatively small and unimportant to “I want to do something that matters” goals, most of us have them.

Places we want to visit, things we want to do, milestones we want to cross; everyone wants different things in life, that’s why not two bucket lists look the same. For instance, just because I want to go hot-air ballooning at some point, it doesn’t mean anyone else has to want to do so as well. And that’s ok, because we are all different.

Additionally, even the shared experiences do not have the same impact on people. Just because two people do something together, that does not automatically mean they experience the same thing.

Let’s just say I was to go hot-air ballooning with someone who’s afraid of heights (I do not know why they would agree to go in the first place, but let’s roll with it); would we be having the same experience? Absolutely not; I would be elated, they would be terrified.

What I am trying to say here, in an overly simplified manner, is that every experience is unique to every person. Everyone perceives things and reacts to a situation differently, based on who they are; their heart, thoughts, feelings, past experiences, they all play part in that. 

Have I mentioned that I love writing steams of consciousness? When I started the entry I had no idea my thoughts would be going down this road.

To be honest, the thing I had in mind to address today, despite this weird intro, was this: What happens after you achieve a goal?

Let’s make it a personal milestone, not something insignificant like hot-air ballooning, or something too significant, like winning the Nobel Prize for World Peace. Let’s say you achieve one of your personal, high-on-your-bucket-list, important, difficult-yet-not-unachievable goals; what happens then? Does anything change? Do you feel any different?

Well, basically, what happens is that at first you are happy you accomplished your goal, and then you move on to your next goal; oh, and you’ve picked up a few skills that will be probably come in handy down the road too.

You are still you, just a little more mature, a little more experienced, and a little more successful too. On that note, a little tip: don't spent too much time basking in the glory of your success, it might go to your head; just saying...

Also, what no one tells you is that, sometimes, success might not feel like success at all. There's a possibility that it will just feel like "meh". It sucks, but it can happen. 

My experience, well, it was complicated. Real talk, when I achieved my important goal, for the most part, I was confused; all this hard work, and effort, and sacrifices and I was feeling numb. Sure, I felt happy too, but that lasted for what felt like two seconds. And then I just was feeling empty; because after a very long time, I didn’t have another big thing to be working on, I was burnt-out and I didn’t know how to handle the situation. 

Don’t get me wrong, I would do it all over again in a heartbeat; I just wish I was better prepared for the moments I felt overwhelmed.

When you’re in deep waters, you can either swim or drown; I didn’t drown, so I am good.

Till next time,

M.

PS. No matter what, keep swimming!